We hear all too often about how people are burnt out from working in service professions where they are constantly giving of themselves to others and their needs, or even from just being a mum, a friend, a daughter, a sister, etc. There is also often a close connection with self-sacrificing and needing to help others above meeting a person's own needs. This is a slippery slope which only ends one way - with the person so burnt out and exhausted that they can't help anyone.
THIS is why it's so important to HELP YOURSELF FIRST! If you don't help yourself and fill up your own cup, it is almost impossible to be the best version of yourself and help others.
As women, society has taught us that our needs come last, and that help others comes above all else even if it is at the detriment to ourselves. Let's just get one thing straight - this is NOT healthy. There is absolutely nothing healthy about neglecting your own needs and helping others to your own detriment. When you do this, you fail to show up for yourself.
Can you imagine telling a child, "no darling you can't go to the toilet because someone else needs to go more than you", or "you are not allowed to sleep when you're tired because others need thins from you"!? No, I didn't think so. It's just not right. So then why do we do this to ourselves?
Let me explain…
Self-sacrificing and people-pleasing have been glorified as being enviable attributes for women. The problem is that they're actually super unhealthy and detrimental behaviours and mindsets which can land you in a lot of problems internally and externally.
Self-sacrificing leads to lover self-worth and self-respect because you ultimately put everyone's needs and wants above your own.
People-pleasing is much the same. You make decisions, and do things, which don't necessarily align with you or your values, purely for the purpose of appeasing others.
There are some serious health issues which case result from these behaviours and mindsets, not to mention the general personal dilemmas about life which you are also likely to experience.
As someone who was very much a people-pleaser and self-sacrificing person, I would do any number of things and add things to my to-do list just so I could say I did those things and that most of those things were for others. It was almost like a bragging right or a trophy; I did everything for others and nothing for me because I wasn't important and I "didn't need anything" - I was "fine".
Other commonly associated behaviours which accompany people-pleasing and self-sacrificing include:
- Being a "yes-woman"
- Polling everyone else but not giving yourself a vote
- Saying yes when you really want to say no
- Choosing what others want rather than what you actually want
- Valuing others opinions over your own
- Choosing the less aligned option because it get you validation from others
- Over-apologising and/or apologising for things unnecessarily
Recently, I was in a situation where a friend needed my support for something and whilst I of course assisted them as best I could it got me thinking about their role in their own health and wellbeing. When you place your locus of control outside of you, you automatically disempower yourself.
Again, let me explain…
In life, we have an internal locus of control and an external locus of control. An internal locus of control refers to the ability that a person has to control and determine their own life. Whereas, an external locus of control refers to external events/forces/sources and their ability to impact and determine your life. It can be fairly simply summed up by the concept of: "Life happens for me" versus "Life happens to me". When you have a strong belief that "life happens to me" you have a bias for the external locus of control; that is, your environment and experiences determine your life's course and your achievements. Whereas, when you have a strong belief that "life happens for me", you have a bias for an internal locus of control such that you believe that you have the power and ability to determine your life's course and the experiences and achievements you have. The latter is much more empowering.
I will do a proper blog post on locus' of control at a later date, but I think that is just enough of an explanation to make it relevant to this topic. You have a choice whether to take an active or passive approach to life and to your energy and needs. If you choose passive, then you are going to find yourself being tired all the time, unmotivated, even resentful because you feel drained and unable to recharge your energy. However, if you take an active approach to tending to your own needs and honouring your body and mind, you will have a much healthier mindset and you will find you have so much more energy. One thing I noticed when I was doing the work on myself to move from people-pleasing and self-sacrificing to alignment and empowerment was the energy I gained. I suddenly had energy that I never used to have.
Another thing I will say is that I have often heard people say that they want to help themselves, they just don't know where to start or what to do. And don't get me wrong, this can be super tricky to navigate especially if you're new to the self-help space or your facing a lot of anxiety or stress about the situation you're in. So I thought it might be helpful to provide some tips which have assisted me in my journey.
Here are 5 ways you can help yourself and take an active approach in your life:
- Do the inner work
- Ask for what you want
- Lean into the discomfort
- Focus on progress not perfection
- Go easy on yourself & try not to judge
I think I might go into these things, the importance of them and their benefit a bit more at a later date so that I can really explain them properly, so stay tuned for that! I really want to give these enough time and explanation to ensure I'm not leading you astray.
However, next time you're wondering why you may be feeling exhausted and unable to give the best of yourself to your friends or family, or the next you start to feel frustrated that other people are taking up so much of your time or energy, ask yourself whether you have been helping yourself first and filling up your own cup before helping and giving your self/time/energy to others. I promise you that when you start filling up your own cup and tending to your own needs first, you are going to have a different kind of energy, tolerance and mindset to help and be there for others.
Keep showing up for you gorgeous!
Jordy xx