Many people think that the hardest parts of eating disorder recovery are eating more and weight gain.
And yes, those things aren’t particularly pleasant…
… but the things that I found the hardest about eating disorder recovery were more to do with who I was as a person and honouring my story and journey with my eating disorder.
1. RE-BUILDING MY IDENTITY WITHOUT MY EATING DISORDER.
For so long, I had taken so much of my identity and who I was from my eating disorder that I didn’t know who the REAL me was anymore.
I had to work out who JORDY was going to be out in the world without her eating disorder to cling onto every step of the way.
Because contrary to popular belief, my eating disorder had become (almost) like my best friend, except not. Whenever I was stressed and needed to get control back over my life, my eating disorder was “there for me” and I could just go on a new diet, or start a new training regime.
But then suddenly that wasn’t the case anymore.
I had broken up with my toxic relationship with my eating disorder and all my coping mechanisms which previously “got me through” hard times were no longer there and I was not engaging with them.
For years and years all I had really been able to talk to people about what dieting and exercise. In fact, I became the go-to person that my friends and family would ask me about dieting, weight loss and exercise advice. It felt like without my eating disorder, I had nothing of value to add to a conversation.
The thing that people had once come to me for advice about was now something I was trying to distance myself from. It was the thing that I knew the most about.
(I mean that’s super unsurprising given how long I had spent researching dieting and exercise - I had even completed a degree in Exercise Science). So I knew so much, and I just LOVED talking about it at every opportunity I got.
I felt like my value came from knowing so much about dieting and exercise that when I “broke up” with my eating disorder, I felt like I’d lost a part of my self, and like all the worth I once had, had completely vanished.
But also, working who I was prior to my eating disorder was hard as well, because I had had it for so long and also I second-guessed everything because I wasn’t sure if what I thought I liked was actually just want I had told myself I needed to like or maybe it was my eating disorder whispering in my ear and telling me what I “should” and “shouldn’t” like to appease them and keep them happy.
It was such a confusing and exhausting process because I felt like I would get somewhere and then all of a sudden I’d feel like I was back at square one again.
To tell you the truth, I am not even sure how I got to where I am today other than just through sheer determination to get back to who I used to be.
I started doing all the things that I used to enjoy to see if that would enliven some parts of me that I had lost and forgotten along the way.
I watched old favourite television shows, listening to old favourite music, chatting to old friends, doing things that I used to enjoy when I was younger… all these things slowly seemed to help me find my way back to me.
And, to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if I’m 100% back to who I used to be before it all began, but I know I’m where I’m meant to be and that I am worthy and enough as I am right now.
2. BEING OK WITH PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTANDING MY STORY
Learning to be ok with people not understanding what I went through was tough because it required a lot of self-control and emotional maturity to avoid exploding at someone who told you “you didn’t have an eating disorder, I would have noticed.”
When someone says this to you, it can be such a hurtful thing to hear. Because all at once, someone has downplayed what you went through and made it all about them at the same time. And at the start of my journey with telling people, and even now sometimes, this response really hit a nerve in me.
But I try to afford people a generous interpretation and remember that not everyone understands what I went through, and that’s ok. Not everyone will be able to understand it. It’s often hard to understand things that you haven’t experienced yourself. And for this I don’t blame people or have any negative feelings towards them, they simply cannot know what they don’t know.
That being said, it doesn’t make it any easier especially when you’re in the early stages of recovery.
I am at the point where I am ok with the fact that there are certain people in my life that will never know the story and that is perfectly fine with me. I am not about to beg and plead and try to change people’s minds about what they believe.
Firstly, what they believe is up to them.
And secondly, it’s not worth the time and effort, nor the mental toll that it may take.
It is not your job to convince others of your story, whether they choose to believe that is entirely up to them, but that shouldn’t stop you from honouring your truth.
I had lots of people tell me along the way “you were never really THAT skinny” and “why are you always cold? You’re so weird.”
And if I let every single one of these comments hurt me every time someone says it, I’d be a mess.
But I have gotten to a point that I know my truth and I am not going to get rocked by someone who does not know or understand my story.
And neither should you, darling.
There are always going to be people who don’t understand you, and the sooner you learn to be ok with that, the sooner you’ll be able to brush these comments off too.
I know it’s hard at the start and even during the process and at times throughout the course of your life, but I promise that it does get easier with time.
There will always be people who push your buttons and say hurtful things, but your power lies in how you let those people and hurtful comments affect you and the way to affirm and validate yourself.
2. RECONNECTING WITH PEOPLE I HAD FALLEN OUT OF TOUCH WITH AND TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED
It’s hard to explain to people an eating disorder and what it’s like, but it’s even harder to do that when the people you’re explaining to love and care about you. It can be a very hard conversation to have because sometimes people make it all about them and either diminish what you went through or try to justify that it didn’t happen because they’re trying to make themselves feel better about not being there for you when they feel they should have.
I have taken the standpoint that there are just some people in my life that I will re-connect with and never tell about my eating disorder journey because either it’s not something they will understand, and/or I just don’t have the energy to deal with all the questions and comments that I am likely to receive in response.
And that is so ok.
You don’t have to explain your story to everyone.
You don’t own people any explanation about what you went through.
Your journey is your journey, end of story.
And you don’t need to justify your absence, withdrawal or low moments to others.
Sometimes I’ll be with people who don’t yet know the full extent of my story, and to be honest that is pretty much everyone, I have never actually told everyone my full story of what I went through.
And this is for a number of reasons, but the first being it can be quite confronting for people and also it can bring up a lot of painful memories and emotions for me, and I feel that I just want to let sleeping dogs lay and not awaken those negative feelings and demons that I have worked so incredibly hard to overcome and put behind me.
Now I choose to use my story in inspiring ways to help others and to remind myself of how far I have come.
And despite everything that happened and what I went through, I am so incredibly proud of myself, my journey and the next exciting chapter that’s in store for me.
I have found my own way to tell my story and inspire, empower and motivate at the same time. And I feel that this is the ultimate validation, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me!
So gorgeous, wherever you are in your journey, please know that you are doing so incredibly amazing and that you should be so proud of yourself.
I would love for you to share with me something that has resonated with you from this post in the comments below!
If you ever just want to chat, or get something off your chest, please feel free to send me an email at hello@thebodyimagecoach.net.
I’d love to hear from you, and be your biggest cheerleader!
Love always,
xx